Neo-Luther

Thursday, July 26, 2007

An Ignorance Observed

I just finished reading "A Grief Observed" By C.S. Lewis. If you read it, you will get a glimpse of the past three years of my life. C.S. Lewis lost his wife to cancer after just a few years of marriage, and in his grief he explored his feelings and thoughts in his journal. He later published them in this book.

My wife did not die, but she did leave me. A friend told me once "Well you must have loved her in order to marry her..." The truth is, despite all of her verbal and physical abuse, I really did love her. I still do, in a different capacity. It really goes to prove the words of the great Christian philosophers, D.C Talk... "love is a verb."

Verbs are action words (please don't be intimidated by my vast knowledge of the English language here). My marriage (however short it may have been ) proves that love is the strongest of all of the verbs. Hate, Fear, they pale in comparison. No matter how many punches I took, or how much dignity I lost it was still there. So much so, that in my grief I began to despise it.

Grief is the deadliest of all nouns. Our experience (Mine and C.S. Lewis's) with grief changed our view of God. I had spent too much time proving to myself that the God of the bible was the one true God. It would have been stupid of me to go against that. Though I am a fool most of the time I do not wish to make things worse by diving willingly into foolishness. Instead I would have conversations with God (very one sided in hindsight) that went like: "God, I see how it is, you aren't who I thought you were, but I see the true you now..." "I guess you don't HAVE to be giving to love me..." and "Fine, you want me to be alone for the rest of my life... Don't expect me to like it then."

I remember one day I was setting up the wedding chapel at the church I work for. I hate wedding chapels. I have vowed to only like them one more time in my life... if that. They have a way of making me feel depressed. I was alone and down in the dumps. I was praying, almost in tears (I don't cry... I just get almost there) "God, I'm lonely, I have a crappy job, I never see my son, my ex-wife takes every chance to slander me and cast doubt my way... What do you want from me? I don't have anything else to loose! I almost want no part of this anymore! Yeah I'm your bond servant, but I feel like a slave. So I'll do what you ask, but I won't enjoy it and I won't pretend to either."

This is the point that I heard a very clear voice in my head. It said "You are a spoiled rotten brat!" The voice was right... I am.

I think the core of grief is a sense of entitlement. I feel entitled to have a wife, kids, enjoyable job, respect... but I guess I'm not. There are no entitlements in the bible, unfortunately. I'll just have to learn to live with that fact.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Barns of the "Noble"

This afternoon I went to a bookstore to purchase some muse material. A bookstore is like a silo of knowledge. A veritable barn where people, more "noble" than us, house their works. Until one day we request that they impart their wisdom to us, and for a semi-reasonable sum they are happy to do so. Being cheap and moderately poor the first place I stopped by was the bargain book section. There I found all of the books that peaked my interest. Books on places I have never been and always wished to go. Like the Louvre for instance. I may never make it there but for $8 I can help pay for some photographers to visit a place he has already been, and in return I get to keep some of his prints of the historic site. All the while wondering if it still smells like mahogany and linseed oil, and wishing I could get an up close look at Durer's "Praying Hands" which mine should resemble more often. There were also biographies of great people whom I wish to emulate. "How to" books on skills I wish to learn.

I then made my way to the Christian section where I was disappointed to find there was only one author whom was represented that interested me. I bought "a grief observed" by C.S. Lewis which was recommended to me by a good friend from work. The rest was junk.

C.S. Lewis wrote "Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." I believe this to be completely true. So why do Christians keep writing books that enable people to cling to what plagues them? Do we not realize we are oppressed and impressed by the greedy? That they squeeze the life out of all who are not on their monetary level? Who needs another book on how to fill your bank when our hearts are empty!? Did anyone ever stop to think that if they and their spouse don't love God more than each other their marriage CAN NOT be all it is supposed to be? A good marriage doesn't start in the kitchen (though I'm sure that part helps) it starts in the Church! We as a faith are really good at telling people what they can't do. Yet we ignore what we are supposed to tell people TO do!

So even though I wish to be published one day and my books may share shelves with T.D. Jakes, Joel Osteen and the likes. Here is the only thing I know that is worth paying anything for. Follow Christ. Forever. Without abandon. Until you realize nothing here is worth anything. Not even your life. Just remember two things when you pick this little tidbit off the shelf, and it comes time to pay for it. #1) It will cost you everything you think is yours. #2) There are no cuts in the line, so get there before the store closes.

Let's see Harry Potter beat that line!

*sigh* My legs are getting sore... I can't wait for Jesus to check me out.

Anthony

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Here we go again!

I'm baaaaaaack! So I have a few projects running right now. First off, I am going to two colleges in the fall. First I will be attending St. Charles Community College to begin working towards a degree in English. Secondly, I will be completing correspondence courses through Southwest Bible College to work towards a degree in theology... or Christian education... I haven't decided yet. I am in the process of writing my first book. It will be called "Memoirs of a Janitor or Wake Up and Smell the Brimstone" I will be posting short snippets on this site but eventually I want to have a site of my own that everyone can go to to get my work and/or information about me... and my work. It's time for me to find an agent and a PR rep.! So with all that said I have to go to my actual job now. Be looking for my thesis on theology... which may or may not be presented in my book but will undoubtedly turn a few heads.

Peace out ya'll,
Anthony